lymphylaura's Space

Excited doesn't come close to how I feel right now. Setting off for holiday in less than an hour. I CANNOT WAIT.

Yesterday I was back at the hospital for test results and thank goodness they were all OK. I'll be honest I was scared, I think after having cancer, you do worry more, especially as its so soon since I had it. I kept crying imagining the worst - I really have got to work on that but I think its natural. I overanalysed everything the docs had said previously and talked myself into bad results.

I said to myself and prayed, all I want in life is to hit 50 and to have a baby. Naturally there's a lot of travelling I want to do and my career is hopefully going to be back on track soon but its funny how my priorities have changed.

Here's me looking Shoreditch cool in my Hospital Use Only gown!

Anyway, I met with my specialist consultant who went through my scan results and confirmed that they think its an infection. I know some of you probably think, of course it was, why worry but right now I cannot help fear the worst, I am hoping it will get easier as time goes on. I am definitely going to start counselling again soon as think that will help.

Work have been wonderful, I had just started and then had to be off again for a week poorly but they are so understanding, I am very grateful to have such considerate employers.

I still have shading in my lung scans but the docs think it will clear once the infection goes. I'm not 100% but have rested all week and nothing (except illness lol) would have stopped me going away.

I have been dreaming about a holiday every Chemo session I had, it would be the thing that kept me going. I often would take my Conde Nast Traveller magazine and look at all the places I wanted to go if and when I got better.

I am so grateful right now for life and for everything.

I've my factor 30 and giant sun hat ready -

Looks better in black and white I think -

The girls and I are off to Benihavis - a town in the hills, about an hour from Malaga. I've got my books, my iPod and bundles of happiness. I can't stop smiling.

Every since I had the OK from the hospital yesterday I have felt a massive sense of relief, it was such a worry.

Hope everyone has a lovely weekend in the sun! Ice creams here I come.

 

 

 

So I was back at the hospital yesterday for more tests but also a routine check up.

I first met with the radiotherapy doctor - my treatment ended just over a month ago so this was a follow up appointment. They are all happy with everything and I don't need to see them again. So that's good. I have a follow up with the Chemotherapy docs in June.

I then went for my CT scan.

Last time I had one I didn't have to have an injection so I waltzed in thinking the same again til the nurse said 'right I'm just going to pop a cannula in' to which I replied 'I don't think so...'. I cried like a baby for a few minutes then they said I could either have the CT scan without the injection of fluid (which shows up on the scan) or they could spray my arm with freezing fluid so I don't notice the injection going in.

I opted for the latter as to be honest, I would rather get an accurate set of results. Brave me! You would have thought after all the needles and scans I would be used to it but alas, I'm not!

One of the nurses did the usual, attempting distraction techniques, like I was a five year old, asking what films I'd been to see. In all fairness, the nurses were wonderful. And I appreciate any distraction technique when it comes to needles.

Within an hour of leaving the hospital the doc called me, I'll be honest, I had a mild panic as did wonder why the doctor was calling with my results so soon, surely it couldn't be good news!?

Results were a little more conclusive. My CT scan showed up shading on my left lung again and through their analysis, its either a chest infection - and I have antibiotics in the first instance. But it could be a fungal lung infection.

Both of which, THANK GOD, can be easily treated. I just wish treatment would hurry up and work. Its funny, I was only saying to Richard the other day I wonder when I'll have the strength again to exercise, little did I know that the reason I was exhausted was because I was getting poorly again.

My antibiotics are working but I'm not doing anything just resting and eating fruit and veg. Its been a little wake up call when it comes to my diet, I had finished treatment and let my diet go a bit, I had just started eating what I wanted and I can't do that, I need to be careful - lots of goodness.

Unfortunately I couldn't have done anything to prevent this, its basically general living that has caused it - I could have picked up a virus like anyone from work, air conditioning units, the tube which I cannot avoid. I've been wrapped up in a bubble for the past eight months so my body has just got to get used to everyday life again.

I am back at hospital on Monday for more tests and medication if I need it. I just want to be well for Spain! My first holiday in 10 months, which if you know me, is probably the longest I have gone in years! Not in a spoilt way! Holidays have always been a priority. I love seeing the world.

When I was diagnosed I felt lucky in life that I had done so much. I have been so fortunate in being able to see the world that if my life ended tomorrow, I could say I'd lived it definitely to the full. I'm glad I have a chance to keep seeing more though, I've written a list of places I want to go and look forward to crossing them off.

Fingers crossed on Monday its all OK. I am sure it will be fine. The docs know I am going on holiday and the main thing is that the cancer hasn't come back. They said it would have been, really, too soon.

So I've had a slight chest wheeze this past week and in the last few days started to feel unwell. I don't have a GP yet in Bromley - naughty I know - but I do prefer to be seen at the hospital. Yesterday I called and when I described how I felt they weren't too fussed and weren't going to see me but I'm a little persistent and knew something was wrong so pushed to go in and be seen.

They told me it would be a long wait but I'm used to that at the hospital so I went anyway. People in the waiting room must have thought I was dying as I sat in the waiting area crying my eyes out - I'm overly emotional because I'm not sleeping well because I'm so poorly.

The kindness in that place is lovely to see - I had my nurse friends coming to check on me and receptionists bringing me tissues. I think I only had to wait just over an hour then they put me in a bed to wait for the doc, I was shattered so it was good to be able to rest. Here's my feet in bed -

It is always depressing though in there because you're in a ward, well they call it a bay, there's four beds of sick people. I'm virtually always the youngest. I had an older lady next to me with terminal cancer - you can't help but hear people's conversations. Her daughter was crackers, kept telling me to get a dog because she had a cat which helps with her depression. Every nurse that came in she shouted 'hello nurse'. Then she went out and got her mum a McDonalds. Heart of gold though, she fetched me blankets and told me not to cry as there's kids that have to go through worse and yes she's right but selfishly it's not always that easy to feel like that when you're lying there.

Anyway the lovely doc came to see me. At first she didn't think much was wrong, it's a hard one, especially for me, after cancer you start to question if you're ill or not. I wouldn't say I'm a hyperchondriac but I really didn't know if what I had was a cold and I should just rest or whether it did warrant medical attention.

Like I say, doc asked my symptoms, I told her - it began with a chest wheeze which progressed into aches, feeling unwell but no real chesty muck and a bit of a runny nose, essentially I acted rundown although I've taken it so carefully. I started work last week but just two days a week and haven't gone mad as such. I had one night out with three drinks and that's the most I've done so really can't blame my lifestyle. Doc said I'd probably got a virus but wasn't too fussed about prescribing medication. You see if they prescribed medication for every time I got ill I'd soon build up a tolerance.

As the wheezing was unexplained I was sent for a chest X ray and that's when the fun/fear started to kick in.

When I was originally diagnosed my only real symptom was a chest wheeze so they take it seriously when I have another. At this point I obviously started to worry but thought its for the best we find out what's up. I went back to my bed for my results, annoyingly my bed was next to the phone/nurse's station so when the doc saw the results, she got on the phone and said 'I need a second opinion on Laura Smith's results'. Who in their right mind wouldn't freak out at this point...

I could hear her describe my lungs and medical terms to do with what she could see. I will add at this point, I love this doc, she was brilliant to me, it's just how it goes in hospital.

She came to talk through the results about ten minutes later after I'd had time to cry, imagine what will happen if the cancer had come back, that quick, then talk myself out of it being cancer as its too soon after treatment.

Annoyingly results are currently inconclusive and I've got to go back in today for another scan. They thought it was one of three things - a bug in my immune system but after doing blood tests (yes I was that brave!) and another oxygen test where I had to go for a walk they ruled that out.

The two maybes are fungal lung infection brought on by weakened immune system although I don't have a fever so it's not so likely but my sister (the cancer nurse) says you don't need a fever necessarily. Or it could be damage from radiotherapy - dead cells/scarring.

I don't think it's the latter. I know my body and I'm getting poorlier. I'm exhausted. They've given me antibiotics for the virus, I just want to be OK. I'm going on holiday next Friday and I'm so excited, I don't want this to get in the way. That holiday is what I've been living for these past few months.

Richard has been wonderful, making me smoothies and buying my an abundance of fruit to boost my immune system, its a little late but we're trying! And my friends (thank you Susi), I really appreciate all the messages and calls of support.

Right, better get dressed, back to the hospital I go... I'm worse than yesterday now so trekking across town is hard work.

Well Jan (Richard's Mum) told me off for not writing anything lately so here I am! I did wonder whether I should keep my blog going and I think I will, just little updates here and there.

I'm going to continue writing for the Huffington Post, my blog was about coping with cancer so now its got to be a little different, my friend Susi had a good idea, if I write a post a month about me doing something challenging so I need to get thinking of how I can push myself to do something. At the moment, its a challenge to get out of bed!

My major news really is that I have started work! I started yesterday at Kazoo and am delighted to be back.

In other news, one of my goldfish died. NOTE this picture isn't of her dead but is a game she used to play, lying on the top pretending to be dead. Til I went away for the night and Richard flushed her down the loo!

I have started building up my tolerance with alcohol, my first gin and tonic was a delight

I've been visiting my friends with babies. As I love them. Here I am with little Isabelle, my friend Rachael's little one. She is nearly as tall as me already!

And then this last weekend I went up north. I had THE BEST time at home with my family. Which if you know my family, well my time spent there is always a bit hit and miss. Rich drove us up, and I don't think we had any in car arguments which again is a miracle! I can tell I am getting better as I am arguing more, Rich and I rarely argued when I was poorly but the bitch is back!!!

We went sight seeing in the peak district, ate a bakewell tart, had a night out in Chesterfield and lovely family dinners.

Here is me, Mum and Rich down Speedwell Cavern in the Peak District - I wouldn't recommend it! We went on an underground boat along an old mining tunnel which was pretty fun but then you get to the end of the boat trip to a mucky cave with nothing to see then have to go back along the same underground river. I like to see a stalagtite or two. Excuse my spelling!

Here I am with my sister -

I had a mini hangover too up north! Mixing champagne, beer and gin!!!

I'm back at work tomorrow - yippeeeee!

And I'm going away this weekend which will be nice. Rich and I have made it to TWO YEARS TOGETHER. Insane.

Right, better get on.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/mobileweb/laura-smith/cancer-patient-treatmen...

Radiotherapy has proved my nemesis. Its so annoying. I get over Chemo, have great results then think 'ah just radiotherapy to go, seen as I've got through everything else, its not going to be a major set back' BUT its not been as easy as I thought.

This week has been pretty shit, I have been getting on well with daytime TV, I am an encyclopedia of knowledge about This Morning, Four in a Bed, Come Dine with Me and The Rennovation Game but that's not really ideal!

My throat has continued to be in pain all week, I have eaten like an eight year old - spaghetti shapes and angel delight have been my preferred meal of choice most days.

I've also been really exhausted, I didn't leave the house for three days and when I did I've really been unable to go far.

Alice saved me yesterday and came down with my Godson Joey who is getting more adorable by the minute! We had a wander into town but not for long as it really tired me out. Then we hung out at home.

I am getting so maternal which I never thought would happen. Anyone who knows me won't believe that!!! Every time I see Joey I tell Rich I want a baby. He knows I don't mean straight away. After having the last year taken away from me, my focus is getting my career back on track and travelling.

The hospital have also said I shouldn't try for a baby for two years but I want to leave it at least four because if the cancer is going to come back, its most likely in the first two years, if it hasn't come back in five years its unlikely to and I don't want to get pregnant then have to deal with cancer.

Also it might be cancer worry talking, I might not want a baby in four years!!!

Its a sad fact of life that I am never going to escape the worries of it coming back.

I hope you all notice my face looks considerably thinner on the above picture - I have lost over half a stone this past week. I might trademark the Spaghetti Shapes and Angel Delight diet! You will also notice though my hair is looking less 'pretty elfin, pixie look' and more 'Karen Matthews just out of jail' look -

Not long now.

I just want to be back to my old self again and have enough energy to go out.

Next week Mum is coming down to keep me entertained which will be nice.

 

Unfortunately I have not taken too well to radiotherapy, I have been really sick.

I had my last radiotherapy session on Saturday which naturally was a great feeling that it was all over but its been hard as I can't really celebrate as have been so poorly. Richard said earlier how sick I have been these last few days is how he thought I would have been on Chemo.

Over the weekend I tried to eat but threw everything back up again, yesterday was the worst as thought I would be OK and wanted to see my friends so went out for lunch at their house but was so sick Richard had to pick me up.

Radiotherapy has burnt the inside of my neck effectively and so swallowing really hurts as does eating. Which is so unfair as its my favourite pasttime.

I'm so happy that I woke up today and have been able to sip water and eat ice lollies and spaghetti shapes because if not I would have ended up back at A&E and been put on a drip which I really really didn't want as I don't have my line anymore.

Hopefully by the next blog I will be back up to full eating strength! The hospital have said I need to be strong because the radiotherapy, like Chemo, works after the treatment is done. My body is currently getting rid of the burnt cells, I think, and regenerating itself. Weird huh?

I get ahead of myself as have been so ill for so long that when I see the finishing line, I race to it. Not long now though.

Whoever told me radiotherapy was a walk in the park compared to Chemo must have had very different radiotherapy to me.

I haven't blogged in a while as in all honesty have been quite down and upset, I was so happy that Chemo had come to an end and I started to feel like myself. I thought radiotherapy would be OK, it was only two weeks, how bad could it really be!?

Well its hell.

After the first session I left the hospital in floods of tears as it was so traumatic, I honestly didn't want to go back. Sorry to seem so dramatic but its been tough. Obviously I persevered as its either have the treatment or die.

The treatment itself starts with me lying on a table then the blue mask (scroll down previous blogs for pics) is put over my head and attached to the table. The mask has tightened since it was created for me. You can hardly breathe, its so claustrophobic and horrible.

First an Xray picture is taken of me to check the mould is in the right place. Then the nurses go out of the room for this procedure, then they come back in, move the machines round and start radiotherapy, they have to go out of the room again whilst it happens, then they come back in, move the machines and do the treatment for the last time. I have to have the mask on for 15minutes which seems like hours.

Radiotherapy itself doesn't hurt, you don't know its happening at the time but the effects are starting to take their toll on my body.

They do have the option to put music on, I had it on just once and was happy as 'I just called to  say I love you' by Stevie Wonder came on, I used to dance to it as a child round the liviing room. But it doesn't really distract you. Not much does. Sedatives help a little and this week I am increasing the dose.

Here is my face after the mask has been on it bumpyhead - nice -

I did four days of it last week and started again today with the fifth session. I have spent my weekend crying as I didn't want to go in today.

As if that whole procedure wasn't bad enough, I'm now getting ill as a result of the radiotherapy - which I knew would happen. I have something called Esophagitis which basically means I am having trouble swallowing, its painful and feels like something is constantly stuck in my throat and there is a burning sensation down my throat.

In conjunction with that I can hardly keep food down, I persist though, I enjoy my food too much! I am really sick most days though now, I've been advised to eat little and often, not to eat spicy food, fruit and fruit juices and hard foods and booze.

This will last for this week and likely all of next week til my body starts to heal. The treatment is killing good and bad cells around the areas cancer was originally found.

Also as radiotherapy affects the skin, I can't wear make up, deodrant or perfume or use any normal body creams or shower gels in case they contain tiny bits of metal which apparently they can do. They've given me some horrific hospital cream and the old lady favourite Pears soap so I smell a treat. I have to stay like this til next weekend when the treatment ends - on Saturday 14th.

After that, my skin will now be permenantly damaged - I can't go in the sun for 12 months and need to cover up the areas that have been effectively 'nuked' for that time. After that I need to be careful.

All in all, its been a pretty traumatic week.

UCH is wonderful though, it has just opened a new cancer centre in association with MacMillan, I went for a look round the other day. I was invited round in case ITN wanted to speak with a former patient but alas, they didn't! I wanted to get my face on the tellybox!!

The hospital centre itself is so impressive. Its where all the cancer patients will go in the future. I have to go there for my blood tests and follow up appointments. Its insane how different it is to the old building I used to go to. But to be honest, whether it has a shiny exterior or not, what matters is the nurses and at UCH, I can't fault my lovely team.

Anyway, enough hospital talk, some good happy news now! I have got new fishes to cheer me up with Coronation Street names, I present, the McDonald family - Jim (the whilte gold fat one), Liz (the one with a red head and white body) and Steve (the big gold orange one). Jim is bullying Liz at the moment so we are having a few issues with the fish. If anyone had any fish bullying issues / remedies then please let me know!

I look forward to the Grand National on Saturday as by then my treatment will be over and allhave to do is get better. And stay well. Forever.

 

 

Well Chemo over. I start radiotherapy tomorrow. And I am not looking forward to it.

I don't really know too much about what will happen. I know I have to wear the mask again and be strapped to the table but that is about it. I think its going to be 3minute blasts of radiation for this week and next. I will feel tired but apparently its a 'walk in the park' compared to Chemo.

I am happy, so happy, that I don't have to have Chemo again. I looked back over the last six months of pictures and keep remembering how I felt and am so grateful I don't have to feel like that in the near future.

I just need to keep praying that the cancer doesn't come back. Its going to be such a worry over the next few years. The docs said if it hasn't come back in two years that is great and that if it hasn't come back in five years then its unlikely to. Or that I have as much chance as anyone of getting it again.

I feel back to my normal self. I am drinking, seeing friends, enjoying life. Its all new to me but its wonderful.

I have decided to do a small run for charity - the Race for Life. Its for Cancer Research UK. Normally I would want to support UCH (my hospital) or MacMillan - the charity who initially helped me out but you cannot choose which charity you want to do it for.

I don't mind though, its helping a cancer charity which makes me happy and they are who fund all the research into treating cancer so no doubt will have helped me along the way.

If you would like to sponsor me, my page is here - http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/smithlaura81

Absolutely no pressure and no worries either way. I am not looking to raise a fortune but if you have a spare fiver then its for a good cause.

Also if you are female, as don't think they let males join in (!), Richard says they don't anyway, if you fancy doing it too then register here - http://raceforlife.cancerresearchuk.org/choose-your-event/london-regents-park...

As I say in my profile for the 'race', I had wanted to do  the New York marathon at the end of the year however as I am having radiotherapy close to my heart and in my lung I am probably not going to be in a strong enough state to run 26miles. 5k (which is the Race for Life distance) is a little different!

Anyway, thank you for reading!

Radiotherapy tomorrow, will let you know how I get on.

Last week's good news is sinking in. I broke down with happiness over the weekend that I don't have to have Chemo again. Thank you all for your lovely messages, its so nice, I really appreciate you following me on this journey. I'm so excited its nearly over.

Starting to celebrate too! Had champagne over the weekend with Kat and Ricky at an afternoon with a difference. They ate octopus - grosssssssssss - and I stuffed my face with sandwiches and macaroons. I love Ricky's boyfriend James' face in the background of this pic.

I had such a delightful day. When we get together its become tradition to watch a bad Nicolas Cage film, this time it was the turn of Drive Angry - "A vengeful father escapes from hell and chases after the men who killed his daughter and kidnapped his granddaughter" - utterly terrible but hilarious.

And here's our macaroons, yuuummmmmm! Kat and Ricky got the designer ones, I opted for M&S. They do spoil me.

My arm is healing quickly, it is nuts really that I have a piece of plastic in my arm for over six months. Its brilliant being able to shower again! I have had to have a bath a day, which don't get me wrong wasn't bad, but its so nice to be able to do what I want. I can go swimming again!! Well until I start radiotherapy then I can't - its because my skin will get slightly marked and the 'mark' will get irritated by chlorine.

I feel fine now - quite a few have asked how I am feeling. The Chemo and steroids have filtered out of my system so that I feel like my old self.

One big ongoing worry was would I be able to work again like I used to, would my head still think like it did, could I still do PR, would I be able to go back in at the level I used to be and I'm pleased, so pleased to report that I've still got it - ha! I have been doing a little bit of PR, helping out friends and its like cancer never happened. It will take some time getting used to being back in an office and working a full day after not working at all but I'm so glad my head still works. I cannot wait to get back to work.

Wanted to add a picture of my Mum and Rich's Mum feeding the deer at Knowle Park the other week. I've sent it to my Mum but not sure if she will be able to work out how to see it on her email but she can see this page! She is wonderful!

Right better get ready to go to hospital again. Tummy fertility injection today. Got to protect my ovaries from radiotherapy!